Now Presenting (I'm No Princess Book 1) Read online

  Next came a re-watch of The Princess Diaries 1 and 2 while I flounced around my room trying to become the noble. Let’s just say that even Mia Thermopolis was a million times better at it than me. Next came The Prince and Me and that was no help beyond renewing my love of Julia Stiles and giving me a chance to imbibe too much caffeine.

  I’d tried on something like twenty not-right outfits, my lipstick was wonky and totally the wrong shade, my eyeliner made me look like I was going to a punk concert because I was incapable on putting it on evenly, and I’d burnt myself four times on the curling iron before I huffed a stray – curl was far too generous a term for the oddly shaped piece of hair – out of my face and called my dad with my newly procured Gallyrian SIM card, which Dad had passed me at Lunch.

  “What’s up, kiddo?” he asked and I heard conversation in the background.

  “Sorry. You busy?”

  “If I was busy I wouldn’t have answered. But I’d rather cut to the chase.”

  “I concede.”

  I could almost see his eyebrow rising in amusement. “You concede?”

  I nodded. “Yep. I can’t do this. I need Gerta and Shelly.”

  “Okay.” One word and I could tell he was supressing a laugh. “Just tell Nikolai to call for them.”

  “Is that how I usually do it?”

  “When you’ve dismissed them for the night, yes.”

  I nodded again. “Okay. And… Where would one find Nikolai?”

  “He’ll be outside your door if he appreciates his pay check.”

  I huffed. “Ugh. Do we need a discussion about boundaries?”

  This time Dad did snigger. “Nikolai is far better at boundaries than you, kiddo.”

  I’d concede that as well. “Yeah. Okay.”

  “I’ll be at your room to collect you at seven-thirty. Be ready.”

  I didn’t have a chance to answer because he’d hung up on me. And I had less than an hour before I had to be ready. So, I took a deep breath and opened my door.

  “Anything I can…” I could feel the surprise Nikolai was doing his best to mask as he looked me over in my terrible attempt at pretty and my dressing gown, “do for you, my lady?”

  I pointed to my head. “I failed. Could you please ask Gerta and Shelly to come and help me?”

  The smirk on his face was only visible by the slight twitch of the corner of his mouth. “Of course, my lady.”

  “Thanks.”

  He left and I was about to go back into my room when I heard a laughed, “Tati?”

  I sighed and turned to my sister, who was shadowed by her guard, Neil.

  Of course, she looked perfect. She was wearing this beautiful pale blue dress. The top was lacy, with a high-cut (the Royal Seamstress called it a bateau) neckline and sleeves to her elbows. The skirt was this flowing tulle that draped to the ground like its sole purpose was to make her look good. Her hair was up in a perfect chignon and her makeup looked elegantly, non-existent perfect. As she glided towards me – taller than normal, so obviously in heels – I was starkly reminded that I didn’t fit in here, that she was made for this life and excelled at it. But the twinkle in her eyes reminded me of the Lia of old and I only felt lost and homesick for a few moments.

  “Yeah, yeah. I suck. Don’t rub it in.”

  She stopped and rubbed a thumb under my eye. We both looked at the smudge of black on it. “You don’t suck. You just…haven’t had much practice.”

  I made a face at her. “Still. Two maids?” I looked at her with a ‘come on’ face.

  She smiled. “The palace does things differently to Genovich. It’ll be fine once you get home.” She bounced one of my sorry attempts at a curl.

  I nodded. “Sure it will.”

  “It will, Tati.”

  “You deal with this year round, though?”

  No, it wasn’t normal for a duke’s daughter to actually live at the palace when she wasn’t related to the ruling family. But exceptions were made when that duke was the king’s best friend and adviser. So, Lia’s room was hers year round to make the trip to GNU (the Gallyrian National University) a little easier than if she lived at the family manor, Genovich, which was a whole hour or two out of Albia.

  “I promise you’ll get used to it.”

  Hells I would. I was finding me an apartment as soon as I started at GNU in the following September. But, I didn’t have a chance to say so, as Gerta and Shelly arrived with Nikolai.

  “Lady Malmont,” three voices chorused and Lia inclined her head even more regally than I’d seen Hilde do it.

  “I will sit with my sister while she dresses,” she told them and Gerta and Shelly curtsied.

  “God. The power,” I hissed at her sarcastically as we walked into my room.

  “Shut up,” she muttered back.

  “Where is your dress, my lady?” Shelly asked as Gerta closed the door with Nikolai and Neil still on the other side.

  Then it hit me. The dress. The bag. The one I’d had made and fitted in Australia that I’d dutifully carried onto the private plane and Mum had entrusted me to keep tidy.

  I chuckled sheepishly and Lia rolled her eyes.

  “You forgot about it.”

  “Nuh-uh,” I held my finger up, “I’m less practised, remember?”

  Lia shook her head with a wry smile. “Where is it?”

  I pointed to the wardrobe. “In there. Garment bag.”

  “Have you forgotten how to use full sentences? Or are you being charmingly petulant, Tati?” Lia asked as she reached into the wardrobe to get my bag. For a moment it was like we were back at Mum’s getting ready for a friend’s birthday party.

  Gerta appeared in front of me with a face wipe and we exchanged what I would have thought was a cheeky smile for a maid, but I was happy to have someone on my side.

  Despite the fact that I’d spent ages trying – and, let’s remember, failing – to make myself look vaguely appropriate, Gerta and Shelly – with Lia watching on – managed it in about forty minutes. And that was only because Shelly had to put curls through my whole head before she twisted and twirled it and pinned it.

  I was just tying up the laces on my Converse when there was a knock on the door that preceded Dad’s voice and Shelly hurried over to open it. I turned, hopefully just managing to get my shoes covered by the floor-length dress before he looked at Lia and me standing next to each other.

  Dad’s smile both stressed me out and made me warm with pride. “God, look at you both,” he said reverently. “We need to get a picture of this for your mother. Gerta, would you mind?”

  “No. Of course not, your grace.”

  I passed Gerta my phone out of habit and Dad dragged Lia and me over to the curtains. I gave my best happy smile as Gerta took a few snaps of us, then she passed me back my phone as we headed out.

  Dad walked between us as I looked at the phone and I came to a halt so fast that one of the guards behind us ran into the back of me.

  “My lady?”

  I waved a hand at him, my eyes glued to the screen. “Sorry. My bad.”

  “Tati?” Dad asked.

  I looked up at him, hiding my surprise as best I could with a smile. “All good,” I said as I continued walking.

  But it wasn’t all good. Because I didn’t recognise myself in the photo. Dad looked flanked by Lia in stereo. Anything that made me me was gone. I wasn’t even in heels to let my complaining and terrible walking set me apart from her. My dress was of a similar cut to Lia’s – read, the exact same – but made of a light green satin. The dressmaker at home called it mint. I felt like a walking health smoothie – one of those gross ones that taste like toothpaste, and not in a good way. I mean I looked beautiful, I guessed. I just saw my sister instead of me.

  Still, I’d known I’d need to make changes and I was going to make them and be happy about them. I just really didn’t need Dmitri to be walking into the state dining room with an older man
in the Gallyrian military dress uniform just as we hit the top of the stairs. Especially when he was wearing a perfectly tailored dinner suit. Yes, Dad was also wearing a perfectly tailored dinner suit. But for some weird reason, I didn’t think Dad’s arse looked unnecessarily fine in his.

  Actually, Dmitri was free to do what he wanted. I just could have done without the way he looked at me. It was like I’d failed at something again. Which I was known to do. I just couldn’t for the life of me work out what it was this time; I’d been under the impression I looked perfectly the part.

  Dmitri was watching me for less than a second before he preceded the man into the room and I felt like I could breathe again. It was stupid and I knew I shouldn’t let him get to me. But something about that stony exterior got to under my skin and made me itchy.

  At the bottom of the stairs, Dad stopped me. “Lia knows what’s coming. But this part’s new for you, kiddo.”

  I frowned as I rearranged my skirts. “I’ve become accustomed to the fact that everything for the rest of my life is probably going to be new for me now. Let’s just get it over with.”

  “Don’t you want to know–?”

  “Nope. Let’s just do whatever it is.”

  “Less time to think, less embarrassing the reaction,” Lia reminded him and I nodded to the both of them, thankful that my older sister was still really her under all that perfection.

  Dad nodded. “Okay, then.”

  He held out his elbows to each of us and we took them before he directed us into the room. I noticed Nikolai and Neil stayed outside and I was still wondering why that was when my heart tried to launch out of my chest and I jumped.

  All caused by the guy inside the door who smacked a big stick on the ground as we walked in, followed by, “His Grace the Duke of Genovich and his daughters, the Countess of Malmont and Lady Tatiana.”

  “Thank you, Larry,” Dad said quietly, a hint of a smirk on his face.

  I glared at Larry for scaring the absolute shit out of me and he looked back at me with the well-practised neutral expression of a servant. At least I was starting to guess that’s what was up with the carbon copy expressions on everyone’s faces in that place.

  “Tati,” Dad murmured and I jumped again as I looked around the room.

  It was full of people. Too many people. People milling about a huge table with drinks in their hands, most of them with their eyes on me. I made to turn and run back out, but Dad stopped me with an arm over my stomach. I watched as Lia moved into the room gracefully, greeting people sweetly.

  “Just because your footwear is suitable for a quick getaway does not mean you can make one,” Dad whispered to me, caught between chastising and teasing.

  I sighed. “Ah. You saw them, huh?”

  His eyes panned the room as he replied, a hint of a smile at his lips, “I did. And as long as you keep them covered, I don’t care.” His eyes found me, looking down at me with love, pride and a warning all at the same time. “You look beautiful, Tati.”

  I took a deep breath and he removed his arm from my stomach. Self-consciously, I smoothed the front of my dress. “Thanks, Dad.”

  He inclined his head. “Okay. You ready for this?”

  I snorted – very ladylike. “Not on your life.”

  “Good.” He seemed to catch someone’s eye and started directing me over to them. “Gregor.”

  A man in probably his seventies came toward us, a beaming smile on his face. “You’re both home? Wonderful. And this is wee Tatiana, Max?”

  Dad nodded. “It is. Tati, meet the Duke of Estain. Otherwise known as Gregor, Rex’s uncle.”

  I curtsied as best I could, but Gregor made a tutting noise. “We don’t curtsey for family, Tati,” he said with a jovial wink. His attention was taken by someone behind us. “Excuse me.”

  Dad nodded and we made the rounds for a bit before Larry banged his stick on the ground again and I jumped again. Thankfully, I was only standing with Hilde who just smiled and, as Larry announced dinner was ready, whispered conspiratorially, “Larry is very fond of his job.”

  I looked back to Larry for a moment. “Honestly, if I got to pound sticks all day, I’d be pretty pleased as well.”

  And with that wonderful gem, of course Dmitri walked past me on his way to the table. His eyebrow rose almost imperceptibly. And I only knew this because I was indeed staring far too intently at him. But he said nothing.

  Dad appeared beside me, put a hand on my back and steered me to a chair next to which he stood. Dimitri, unfortunately and in a stroke of pure luck naturally, stood on my other side. Dad nudged me into my chair. Once Hilde, Lia, the other women and I were sitting – well, fallen unceremoniously in my case – the men sat, and Medina and the servers started bringing in the food.

  I got through salad without much trouble, though I was feeling full enough after it and I was heinously aware of the fact that Dmitri sat to my right like a bloody heat lamp, but we both successfully ignored each other as he talked to whoever was on his right and I shared the odd smile with whoever I’d just accidentally made eye contact with.

  “How you going, kiddo?”

  “How many more of these?” I leant over to Dad.

  “Soup, Main, Dessert and Cheese,” he replied, smiling as though he enjoyed my discomfort way too much.

  I groaned. “I think you wasted money on those clothes. I’m going to get so fat.”

  Dad chuckled. “Just enjoy it.”

  Soup came out, and the disasters started.

  I leant forward to put down my glass, knocking the end of my spoon and sending it flicking out of the bowl, splattering soup everywhere. I’d like to say it was because I was shamelessly leching on Dmitri, or even that the older guy in the uniform who kept staring at me had unnerved me. At least I would have felt a little less like a prat. But I really was just that clumsy.

  “Oh, crap,” I yelped.

  Then it hit me that I’d just sworn at a state dinner.

  “Oh, shit.”

  I realised I did it again. I looked up at the ceiling.

  “God, save me now,” I mumbled, thankful it was at least impossible for the whole table to notice me because it was pretty damn long.

  I felt movement beside me and saw Dimitri’s dark brown eyes sparkle with humour, though he kept good control over that twitching corner of his mouth.

  “Yeah, laugh it up, prince,” I muttered and he barked a laugh that he actually tried to cover with a cough. And this time he was the one who failed.

  I looked up apologetically to those nearest me, who were in various states of amusement and awe. Amusement was, obviously, directed at me, but I was surprised with the awe directed at Dmitri.

  “I am so sorry,” I said, looking around.

  Rex waved a hand at me. “Do not be. Anyone who can get a laugh out of Dmitri gets a free pass. It’s like pulling teeth with that one!”

  Those watching erupted in polite smiles and laughter, but I just felt my cheeks burning. I snuck a look at Dmitri, whose face was hard once more, but the glint was still in his eyes.

  He leant over slightly and spoke to me. “You are a very…odd girl.” We’ll just ignore the little thrill that ran through me as I felt his breath on my neck, shall we? “Perhaps having you around will not be the worst thing.” I was just about to smile at his words, thinking maybe he didn’t hate me, when he added, “At least we will have some amusement. Like the jesters of my great-grandfather’s reign, yes?”

  Then he went back to talking to the guy on his right and I was left simultaneously wanting to hide and give him a piece of my mind. And even if I’d had the chance, I’m not sure what I’d pick. Because damn, the guy was fine. I’d never been a sucker for punishment, but I felt like this guy was going to make me one. He made my stomach fluttery at the same time I wanted to clobber him in the head.

  I managed to get through the rest of soup without any more incidents. But during main Dmitri ins
isted I try the wine, his voice monotone as he obviously felt obligated to be polite to me again. As I reached for my glass, I knocked it over, sending his dinner swimming. There was that hint of humour in his eyes again, but his face was somehow stonier than it usually was as he snapped at Medina to sort it out. And all I wanted was to hide under the table until the whole thing was finished.

  Lia looked at me like she was concerned about the cleaning bill with me around and I honestly didn’t blame her. Dad told me to relax as though I was screwing up more than usual because I was stressed, which was probably not a terrible assessment. Hilde just smiled in that motherly way she had. The rest of the table were obviously studiously avoiding looking at me, except that older military guy. And Rex grinned like it was a great joke and I was sure he even threw in a wink. I’d like to have seen how great a joke it would have been if he’d been sitting next to his eldest son while he emanated a chill to freeze your blood.

  Dessert brought more disaster when I accidentally set my napkin on fire in my Bomb Alaska. Instead of panicking, like everyone else seemed to do, my annoyance with myself resulted in serious apathy and I just crushed the napkin in my hand, successfully putting out the flames.

  I looked at the ceiling and muttered, “Seriously, if you don’t kill me now, you and I aren’t on speaking terms anymore.” Not that I was super religious, but being basically an only child for the last four years I’d got into the habit of talking to myself. Being at an Anglican school, the talking to myself took the form a talking to the big guy.

  “You have a remarkable daughter, Max,” Gregor laughed from across the table. “Not many women would douse a flame in their own hands.”

  “Oh, yes. I count fire-taming among my foremost abilities,” I replied. “Oh, no, wait…stupidity! I count stupidity among my foremost abilities,” I amended sarcastically, nodding.

  Dad nudged me, but it was as companionable as it was a ‘shut up’ gesture. Everyone, ministers and ambassadors and nobles alike but that military uniform guy and Dmitri, smiled or laughed once more before they slowly went back to their conversations yet again. Lia gave me a smile that simultaneously told me she loved me and she was thoroughly embarrassed by me.