Damned if I do (the Damned Trilogy Book 1) Read online

  Damned if I do

  ALSO BY Elizabeth Stevens

  Damned Trilogy

  Damned if I do

  Damned if I don’t

  Damned if I know

  Grace Grayson Security

  Chaos & the Geek

  Hawk & the Lady

  Loving the Sykes

  Caden

  Carter

  ALSO BY Elizabeth Stevens

  the Trouble with Hate is…

  Accidentally Perfect

  Being Not Good

  Popped

  Royal Misadventures

  Now Presenting

  Lady in Training

  Three of a Kind

  Some Proposal

  Royally Unprepared

  Royals in Dating

  the Damned Trilogy: Book 1

  Damned if I do

  Elizabeth Stevens

  Sleeping Dragon Books

  Damned if I do

  by Elizabeth Stevens

  Print ISBN: 978-1925928211

  Digital ISBN: 978-1925928204

  Cover art by: Izzie Duffield

  Copyright 2019 Elizabeth Stevens

  Worldwide Electronic & Digital Rights

  Worldwide English Language Print Rights

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned or distributed in any form, including digital and electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without the prior written consent of the Publisher, except for brief quotes for use in reviews. This book is a work of fiction. Characters, names, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

  To long, hot Australian Summers,

  Preparing me for Hell since 1991.

  Contents

  One: Drake

  Two: Wren

  Three: Drake

  Four: Wren

  Five: Drake

  Six: Wren

  Seven: Drake

  Eight: Wren

  Nine: Drake

  Ten: Wren

  Eleven: Drake

  Twelve: Wren

  Thirteen: Drake

  Fourteen: Wren

  Fifteen: Drake

  Sixteen: Wren

  Seventeen: Drake

  Eighteen: Wren

  Nineteen: Drake

  Twenty: Wren

  Twenty-One: Drake

  Damned if I do

  Thanks

  My Books

  About the Author

  Drake

  I couldn’t tell you how many women I’d been with that week alone. But then, time seemed to stand still down here. And there was little else to do if Dad wasn’t sending me to kill or maim or collect. Not that the women had any complaints.

  “Son!” the dude who was not winning father of the year yelled as he threw open my bedroom doors dramatically.

  I sat up, the girls giggling as they tumbled to my sides. “What now?” I asked him.

  “Human children would be expected to show their parents more respect than you get away without,” he said, his voice low and deep.

  “Human children are far more expendable than me, apparently.”

  His eyes glowed red as he glared at me.

  I couldn’t have told you if we looked similar, if we looked like father and son. He was definitely my father though – not sure where else I got what he termed ‘made me special’. I didn’t even know what he really looked like. But most of the time, he looked like a suave middle-aged man with a fondness for dress-ups and musical theatre.

  “Leave us,” he told the girls.

  They scrambled out of my bed, picked up their clothes and ran out. I raked a hand through my hair and didn’t move. The sheet covered my lower half, but I wouldn’t much have cared if it didn’t.

  “What do you want, Dad?” I asked with a sigh. “More babies for eternal torment? Or, is it virgins today? The corruption of a powerful soul? Oh no, wait. They tend to do that all by themselves these days.”

  “When you’re done with your sarcasm…” my father warned before he pinched the bridge of his nose. “You do not know how I regret the years you spent with your mother.”

  “You do not know how I regret the years I spent without her.”

  “It was the best for you.”

  “Your father, sir,” Truman puffed as he skidded into the room.

  “Yeah, I worked that one out. Thanks, lads,” I said to him as Kyle and Ignacio ran into the back of him. I ignored the three devilbums and turned to my father again. “If I’m immortal, it was irrelevant, wasn’t it?” I snapped. “I could have stayed with her through her natural life then come to you.”

  Dad held his hand up as though it was obvious. “It is unseemly for a Prince of Hell to be raised by humans!”

  “Firstly, not technically a Prince of Hell. Secondly, maybe you should stop fucking random human women, then.”

  His glare hardened. “On the topic of unseemly, it is time you found a wife.”

  Well, that certainly hadn’t been what I was expecting and it certainly shut me up. Kyle had his claws over his mouth in excited anticipation. Ignacio was watching the room with his usual state of distrust. Truman was standing patiently with his arms behind his back, rocking back slightly on his hooves. And my father and I just stared at each other for ages.

  “Sorry. You, what?” I finally asked when he didn’t elaborate.

  “A Prince of Hell–”

  “Not that kind of Prince…” I interjected with a mutter.

  “A prince of Hell…” he paused for my approval and I nodded, “should be married. It’s unseemly that my last living son is unmarried after all these years.”

  I’d been wondering when Dad was going to get his next big idea stuck in his head. It had been ages since he’d turned Hell upside down in the quest to see through his latest endeavour. It now seemed that his new endeavour was going to involve me and nuptials. Well, if I was going to be looking at Grandad knew how long of him annoying the Heaven out of me, the least I could do was annoy him a little first.

  “Oh, Esther’s kids will love that. ‘Sorry, boys, no Christmas presents this year, I’ve just remembered you don’t count’–”

  “Would you shut up?” Dad sighed. But he tended to get that way at any mention of my step-mother. Although, was she really a step-mother if they were married before I was conceived…?

  “Almost done. ‘Why, Zael? Well, because Daddy only counts the bastard Nephilim children who all end up dying because Grandad’s favourite sons despise their very existence. Oh no, wait. There’s one more left and, to show just how much he means to me, I torment him along with all my other precious souls.’ Did I miss anything?”

  “Oh, only the part where you remember to show some holy respect to the man who gave you life. Other than that, faultless.” Dad kissed his fingers at me in mock commendation.

  “Your little criticisms are what help me grow as a person, Dad,” I told him as I got up and looked for my trousers.

  “If you’re done?”

  I waved my hand at him. “Yeah. All good. Continue.”

  “Right. So pleased. As I was saying, you’re going to marry. I’ll give you say…a week to think of someone. Otherwise, I’ve got some great candidates lined up. I was thinking a ‘torture to the death’, last one standing wins your hand!” He spread his hands out theatrically and I knew he was already picturing the staging and the costumes.


  I pulled on my trousers. “Yeah, I’m going to take a hard pass on that. But thanks. You should still stage the show, though. It’d get a great turn-out.”

  The room’s temperature rose significantly and I turned to see my father at his flamiest. Tall. Imposing. Bright red. Horns. Hooves. Wings. Fire just about everywhere like he’d gone overboard with the bedazzler again.

  “Did I say something, Dad? You look a touch…irritated.” Over the millennia I’d been stuck down there, I’d perfected the sarcastically simpering tone of concern.

  “Uh, your devilness?” one of the guard demons poked his head into my room.

  Dad lost a little of his pizazz and turned to see what the interruption was going to entail. “Yes. What?”

  “Join the party, Neville,” I offered, turning to look for a shirt but Truman was holding one out to me already. “Thanks,” I said to him as I took it and shucked it on, keeping an eye on Dad and his guard as they whispered to each other.

  Dad was looking agitated for a whole other reason now.

  “What’s up?” I asked.

  “Escapee. You want to do something helpful today? Consider this your One Bad Deed.” And with that, my father swept out of the room, expecting me to follow.

  I took the proffered apple from Kyle and looked at the three devilbums who had, over the ages, somehow become my sort of servants I supposed.

  “What do you think, boys? Shall we go see what the puppy caught for us?”

  “See the puppy!” Kyle sang as he skipped out, Ignacio following behind with his usual string of muttered curses.

  “Your father seemed particularly displeased today, sir,” Truman said as we followed the other two.

  “I’m getting married, Truman,” I told him.

  “I heard, sir. Mazel tov. Any ideas for the lucky soul?”

  “No.”

  “Well, won’t that be fun, sir?” Truman commented dryly and I would have laughed if I’d remembered how.

  By the time we got to Cerberus’ domain, Dad hadn’t had any luck getting the great ball of fluff to do what he wanted. Kyle was dancing around, wanting to get closer to Cerberus, but also knowing the dog would try to eat him again if given the chance. And Ignacio was grumbling at Kyle to keep back so he didn’t get eaten. Again.

  I leant against the cavern wall, crossed my arms and watched the scene unfold, and Truman kept by my side as usual.

  “Cerb, put the nice soul down,” Dad commanded, pointing at the ground and Cerberus just growled around the soul in the mouth of the middle head, which we’d named Huxley. “Cerb, don’t make me tell you again.”

  Cerberus just growled again and the soul sensibly just hung limply and waited for judgement. Souls had a tendency to look pretty similar down here, but I thought it was a bloke called Rene.

  “Cerberus! You will do as you’re told,” my father tried on the big dog.

  Unsurprisingly, that didn’t work. So, he tried another tack.

  “Who’s a clever doggo, catching themselves a sneaky soul?” Dad asked, his voice rising at least one octave, if not two, as he slapped his knees excitedly.

  Cerberus’ tail wagged, but he didn’t seem inclined to drop the soul.

  “I see your domination of Hell is in top form today, Dad,” I said as I bit into the apple.

  He turned and glared at me, his eyes glowing red again. “Why thank you, Drake. As usual, your input is invaluable. Why don’t you have a go? The mutt doesn’t listen to anyone anyway.”

  The head we called Rocky snapped at Dad, who just managed to jump out of the way in time with a high-pitched yelp.

  I pushed myself off the wall, knowing there was no way Cerberus was going to listen to me, but figuring I lost nothing by giving it a go. “Cerberus, your job is done. Drop the soul and I’ll take him back to his torment.”

  Cerberus’ tail thumped against the floor, sending wafts of dust and air at us. Rocky and the third head, Todd, looked to Dad almost smugly as Huxley gently dropped the soul on the ground in front of his massive paws.

  “Oh, yes. Of course. You’ll listen to him,” Dad grumbled, throwing his arms up.

  “Only to show you you’re not the boss of him,” I said.

  “But I am the boss of him!” Dad whined.

  And while I dealt with the soul – pulling him to his proverbial feet – Cerberus launched himself at Dad and sent him down in a pile of laughter. I dragged the soul out of the cavern while Cerberus licked Dad’s face and Dad gushed over what a good boy he was.

  “Thanks, Drake,” the soul said forlornly. “Eternal torment’s probably better than being shredded by the big guy, eh?”

  “Have we learned our lesson, then?”

  “Yes, sir. No more escaping.”

  “I remember you saying that a couple hundred years ago, Rene.”

  Rene shrugged. “Well, you know how it is.”

  I nodded. I did know how it was. Hell was a never-ending string of the same thing day in and day out, timeless while at the same time not. I guessed that was the point of eternal torment, though; it was boring in its monotony. But it just really didn’t seem like any way to spend your best years of death.

  “Where are you meant to be?” I asked him.

  “Uh, it’s Thursday afternoon? So, the Room of Perpetual Anguish.”

  By its name, you’d be forgiven for thinking we only had the one. We didn’t. But you just knew stuff as the son of the Lord of Hell. Like, I knew exactly which Room of Perpetual Anguish Rene was supposed to be in on a Thursday afternoon – although, days were a loose construct down here. Just like, out of the nigh infinite number of souls and demons and creatures that wandered around Hell, I knew this one was Rene.

  “You doing anything interesting this afternoon?” he asked as I dragged him along.

  “No, not really.”

  “Same old, same old?”

  “Story of my eternal life,” I huffed and stopped as we got to the room. “Right. Have an infernal afternoon.”

  “Will do. You, too,” Rene said with a nod and I threw him through the door while he gave the obligatory scream of suffering.

  Then, I turned and looked around the hallway. “Right. What was I doing?”

  “Finding a wife, sir,” Truman said, from down by my leg.

  I nodded and started walking to nowhere in particular. “Yeah, sure. Okay. Any ideas?”

  “You had a good time with Hyrelle, if I remember rightly.”

  I did. “She’s not exactly marriage material.”

  “No. Succubi usually aren’t, sir.”

  “What’s Ammit up to these days?”

  Truman trotted by my side. “She still hangs out with Anubis, eating hearts, devouring dead. The same old schtick.”

  “Okay, so no way I’m getting between them, then.”

  “How about Lillith, sir?”

  I shuddered. “And risk Samael kicking my arse again? Pass. Besides, I’d like to think we can find someone Dad hasn’t fucked.”

  “That might be difficult, sir.”

  I sighed. “It might.”

  We did our usual inspection of Hell, doing the rounds and making sure the right souls were in the right places, as we tried to come up with a list of potential wives. Kyle got into his usual level of mischief, making sure Ignacio held him back while he (very convincingly) threatened a guard demon that he’d do a better job with a soul’s torment. Except for the traditional moment Ignacio ‘accidentally’ let go and Kyle went running behind me for cover.

  Finally, as I was assuring the guard demon that Kyle was just messing about as usual and wasn’t worth the hassle of beating him to a mushy pulp (again), it came to me. It might have had something to do with the fact that the soul was moaning something about human weddings and I’d had a lightbulb moment.

  “Truman! I’ve got it,” I said as I nudged Ignacio away from the guard demon with my foot to stop him avenging the threat to Kyle’s pulp.

/>   I didn’t need to hear Truman’s sigh to know he’d rolled his eyes. “Got what, sir?”

  “We don’t need to find me a wife.”

  “We don’t, sir?”

  I shook my head. “No.”

  “I’m afraid I don’t follow, sir.”

  “I’m technically already married!”

  Truman's step faltered, then he hurried to catch up. “Already…? Did I miss something, sir?”

  “No. That’s the beauty of it.”

  “Sir… You don’t mean…?”

  I nodded. “Yes, Truman. I do.” I chuckled. “Or rather, I did.”

  “But sir–”

  “Are we going back up?” Kyle asked excitedly, bouncing on his little hooves.

  “Yes, we are,” I answered.

  “Do you think that’s wise, sir?” Truman asked.

  “Wiser than me having a marriage down here.”

  Truman inclined his head. “Indeed, sir.”

  Kyle went running ahead, squealing happily, “Going back up the top! Have to tell the puppy!”

  Ignacio gave a muttered huff and went jogging after him, ever the protector of Kyle’s accident-prone pulp.

  I looked down at Truman. “What are the chances of her being into orgies, do you think?”

  “Slim, sir.”

  I ran my hand over my chin. “You might be right.”

  Wren

  As I heard the toot of the horn, I checked my tie in the mirror one last time. As I tugged on it, my eyes slid to the picture tucked into the frame and I smiled as I ran my fingers over it fondly.

  The horn blasted again, more urgently this time and I laughed as I grabbed my bag and ran out of my room.

  “She’s been sitting out there for hours,” my older sister whined from her perch at the breakfast bar, hands wrapped around her coffee cup like caffeine worked by osmosis. I knew she’d had a late one the night before, complete with too many shots.

  Ah, the life of a uni student.