the Trouble with Hate is... Read online

  Too bad good things never last.

  Not my family.

  Not my friendships.

  Not my happy and comfortable.

  I learnt the hard way that even unconditional love comes with conditions.

  2013 Casper

  My bedroom door crashed open and I turned to see Lani standing there, her lower lip trembling in an uncharacteristic display.

  I’d leaped off my bed and had my arms around her before my brain had fully processed it. She stood in my arms, shaking but otherwise unmoving.

  “Angel, what is it?” I asked, rubbing her back.

  A single, huge sob wracked her body. But, she said nothing, just buried her face in my chest. Where Brett, Emma and I had shot up in recent years, Lani was still a head shorter than us.

  “Angel, I can’t make it better if you don’t tell me what’s wrong…”

  I tried to think what could have her so upset; Leilani Granger didn’t cry for no reason. Even when we were little and super mean to her, she’d never cried; she’d got back, she’d got even, or she just plain hadn’t cared and gone and entertained herself.

  “Is it Brett? What did he do?”

  I was going to kill my lovable best friend if he’d been his usual dick self with his little sister.

  Another huge sob wracked her and I held her tightly.

  “Jonny…” she whispered.

  I put her at arm’s length and crouched a little to look in her eyes – damn her being so tiny. God, they were red, puffy and glassy. She was staring straight ahead like she couldn’t see me. Fear lanced through me and my brain stuttered against what it was trying to tell me.

  “What’s happened to Jonny, Angel…?” I asked slowly.

  Silent tears fell down her face and I felt my own eyes burning uncomfortably.

  I heard a truly heart-rending scream from downstairs that I was sure had been my Mum and felt a shiver run through me.

  My brain was still shying away from what my heart already knew.

  “No…” I shook my head. “No…” I tried to get her to catch my eye. “Angel?”

  She lost it. I barely had time to catch her and ease us both to the floor where all I could do was cradle her while she cried in my arms. She cried, deep and emotional, like I’d never seen anyone cry before. Her hands gripped my jumper like the world would end if she let go, like I was her only lifeline.

  I’d thought the cry from downstairs had been heartbreaking.

  Nothing broke my heart more than seeing Lani break down. She was the strong one. Even at only thirteen she was far stronger than me; if she couldn’t hold it together, what hope did I have?

  I looked up and saw Dad was standing in my doorway. His eyes were red too and my heart raced at a million miles an hour.

  My eyebrow rose and I could feel the plea on my face; tell me it’s not true…

  All he had to do was smile, nod, anything to tell me I was jumping to conclusions, I was wrong. Something else had to be wrong with Lani, anything.

  God, I’d listen all about her first period if I had to.

  As long as I was wrong…

  But, Dad shook his head once.

  Once.

  That was all it took.

  My throat constricted, my face went hot, and I felt a tear slide down my cheek.

  No.

  Jonny couldn’t be dead. He couldn’t.

  But, he was.

  Jonny Granger, my best friend’s older brother – hell, my older brother for all intents and purposes – was dead.

  Gone.

  I’d never see him again.

  I couldn’t believe it.

  I didn’t want to believe it.

  But, he was.

  We had a funeral and everything.

  I’d known he’d been sick. He’d obviously hidden it well over the years, because I hadn’t realised just how bad it was. But, it had apparently been bad enough that ending his life had felt like his only option. Or, at least, that’s how our parents and the school counsellors explained it and, over time, I came to believe it.

  I could never say I understood it – or really forgave him for leaving us behind – but I had to believe he was happier. Otherwise, what else did I have?

  But, that was the defining moment.

  That day.

  The point where our lives of happiness grew cloudy and the storm started closing in. And, the point at which Lani started to gather that cloud around her heart like a safety net. But, she tried her best to stay afloat and the Granger-Drake family rock was there to hold us all up.

  She went out of her way to make us smile and laugh and remember what happiness was. She was there for us to lean on, to rely on whenever things got hard. She practised netball with Emma. She danced with me. She was upbeat for our parents.

  Leilani Grange kept us all as upbeat as possible.

  All, but one.

  There was nothing any of us could do for Brett, but wait in the wings in case he wanted us. He spiralled faster and harder than Jonny ever had; drinking, disappearing at night, his grades dropping. It was all Lani, Emma and I could do to keep him from doing anything too stupid.

  I watched, helpless, as I could do nothing for my best friend. As helpless as his father was for his own best friend – my dad – when the cancer diagnosis hit.

  My world was shaken to the core. I thought I was going to lose everyone who mattered to me one by one until I had nothing left. Even when Dad got the all clear, I refused to believe I wasn’t about to lose someone else. And, only one person got me through it.

  Not Emma, my twin, the one person I should have been able to count on most; she’d pulled away further than Brett – although not as destructively, choosing to hide in books – and only Lani could reach her. Not that we’d ever been super close, but we’d always been there for each other.

  “Casper…” Lani barrelled into the kitchen, easing most of my tension by just existing.

  I looked up quickly. “What is it?”

  Searching her face, I came to the pretty quick conclusion that whatever it was wasn’t the news I was always dreading, always waiting for, like it was only a matter of time before we lost someone else we loved.

  I was sighing in relief before she’d had a chance to respond.

  She gave me a rueful smile. “He’s up in his room passed out. It’s your turn.”

  I laughed. “Oh, no. I did it last night. It has to be your turn.”

  She shook her head. “Not a chance, buddy. You’re his best friend–”

  “You’re his sister!” I pointed out.

  She shrugged, flicking her dark brown hair away from her face. “And he may need moving. You’ve got all the manly muscles, therefore best friend trumps sister.”

  I snorted. “You’re just a strong as me,” stronger, if we weren’t talking physical, “you can manage.” Her hazel eyes narrowed dangerously and I put my hands up in surrender, knowing there was nothing to gain by challenging her. “Okay, okay. I’m coming.”

  Her face broke into that grin that never failed to lighten my heart.

  “Come on, I’ll help.”

  “Oh,” I laughed, “how chivalrous.”

  “Shut up, Drake.”

  “Shut up, yourself, Granger.” I put my arm around her shoulders and we walked next door to her place. I didn’t miss how she tensed at my touch, but she didn’t push me away.

  My concern returned when we got into Brett’s room and I could smell the booze on him. It was barely four in the afternoon and I’d thought we were supposed to be going to a party that night. I was neither sure we’d make it nor pleased he’d got drunk without me. Being that plastered so early when he could have been guaranteed drunk in a few hours? That was a new one.

  “Uh…” I said slowly. “You know what, Lei? I can handle this one…”

  If she noticed anything in my tone, she didn’t say anything. “You sure?”

 
I nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m good.”

  “Great, thanks. Let me know if you change your mind?”

  I nodded again, slightly absently. “Will do.”

  She wandered off to her room and I watched her go.

  I jogged into Brett’s room and he rolled over with a drunk snort.

  “Dude, Imogen’s going to be there tonight,” he chuckled.

  I hid my sigh behind my usual supportive bluster; my going theory was that if I couldn’t stop him, the least I could do was tag along and keep him out of the worst of trouble. “Sweet. You offering her up or you going to have her?”

  Brett chuckled again. “Comp time!”

  “May the best man win,” I answered with a cocky grin and he gave me a sloppy fist bump.

  Eventually, though, Brett’s depression got better and my supportive bluster just became who I was. I found I enjoyed the competition; I enjoyed the parties, the drinking, and especially the girls. Brett and I were the most laid guys at school; girls worshipped us and guys wanted to be us. Between his sport star status and my pull with the edgy alternative kids through dance, we had the whole school in the palms of our hands.

  All, but one.

  One girl wouldn’t put up with my shit. And, that girl was Leilani Granger.

  It took me years to realise that I hadn’t called her Angel since the day Jonny killed himself.

  It took me years to realise that what we had wasn’t us anymore.

  It took me years to realise she wasn’t my rock – wasn’t anyone’s rock – anymore.

  There were moments of brightness in her, but on the whole, that cloud was taking over. Oh, she hid it well enough for the most part. But, eventually, maybe too late, I realised that that cloud had become a raging storm, had solidified into a wall.

  It took me years to even begin to wonder who had been holding her up all those years while she was busy holding all of us.

  It took me years to realise that what my rock needed more than anything was a rock of her own…

  It took me even longer to realise that wasn’t going to be me. Not without a hell of a lot of work.

  Because, while I wasn’t looking, I’d actually lost the one person I never thought I would.

  Chapter Two

  2016 Lani

  “Ugh, I hate you, Casper Drake!” I screamed, throwing a pillow at him.

  He ducked and the pillow sailed over his head. His easy laugh only infuriated me more. “No, you love me.”

  “I will kill you!”

  “Come on, Lani! Pillow’s not going to kill me,” he chortled and I screamed in anger as I lobbed another one at him. Annoyingly, he dodged that one, too. “Ease up!”

  “Why are you here? Don’t you have a home to go to?” I spat, holding the towel closer to my body.

  “Lani…” he said smoothly, like he was stating the obvious, and holding his hands up in defence.

  And, of course he had a home to go to. Like they had for my whole life, the Drakes lived next door to my parents’ house and Casper’s room was practically joined to mine. Which was why Casper – and his annoyingly perfect smirk in his annoyingly perfect face attached to his annoyingly perfect body – was now in my bedroom when I was supposed to have the whole house to myself.

  “Have you not heard of a door, you great arsehole?” I yelled, wondering what else I could throw at him. “You can’t just come waltzing into my room. I’m naked here!”

  “A towel does not naked make,” he scoffed. “So virginal.”

  I rolled my eyes and pointed at the door. “Get out, Casper.”

  He leaned against my chest of drawers and crossed his stupid long arms and his stupid long legs. He was obviously not in any hurry to be anywhere else, no matter how much I wished otherwise. He looked out towards the open balcony door (which is how he’d got into my room in the first place).

  “If you didn’t want visitors, you shouldn’t have left it open.” He shrugged.

  “I didn’t leave it open!” I cried. “I closed it! Remember? Closed means piss off, try Brett’s balcony! And, Brett’s not even home!”

  Casper’s pierced eyebrow rose. “Oh, Lani, don’t pretend you don’t like my little visits.”

  I snorted. “Oh, I see now,” I chuckled and he looked at me with a question in his eyes. “Brett didn’t invite you out and locked his door. Pfft. What? He wasn’t in the mood to tag team tonight?” I asked sarcastically.

  Casper frowned, his sparkling green eyes flashing dangerously. “I had thought you’d like to hang out. But, if you’re going to be a bitch, I’ll go.” He pushed himself off my drawers and took a step towards the balcony.

  I knew I’d hit a sore spot of some kind and I was more than half inclined to keep poking. But, having some company might not have been the worst thing. And, as much as I hated him more often than not these days, Casper Drake wasn’t the worst company a girl could have when she was home alone on a Saturday night. Well… Actually, he was the worst company for a girl to have, if that girl was anyone but me or Emma.

  I sighed dramatically. “God, fine! Just, how about you text next time? Or use a door like a normal person. You’re not Peter Pan, you know.”

  He grinned at the reference and I couldn’t help but smile back. He used to pretend he was Peter Pan and come into my room in the middle of the night to surprise me while he pretended to look for his shadow. But, that had been years ago when we weren’t this strained awkwardness, tiptoeing around screaming matches and trading insults.

  I couldn’t really pinpoint where our relationship had become the shit-storm it was. It was like one minute we were practically inseparable, then the next I couldn’t stand him.

  Don’t get me wrong, I had a deep love ingrained in me for all Drakes; Paddy, Betty, Casper and Emma. But, Casper infuriated me like no one else could. Him and his loose morals and looser pants – and I don’t mean that stylistically; the guy had a penchant for skinny jeans. He was a complete and total womanising whore-bag, dragging Brett into the muck and treating girls like disposable objects. He’d always been arrogant, full of earned self-confidence and easy charm. But, now his charm was used on the unsuspecting female population and his arrogance was wielded like a finely tuned instrument that knew exactly what song to play for each of his victims.

  It was like I was intimately familiar with the boy standing in front of me, but I had no idea who the man was, even when he was one and the same.

  “Get dressed, I’ll meet you downstairs,” he replied with that damned cocky half-smile as he strolled out of my room with his hands in his pockets.

  I wanted to throw something else at him, stupid cocky wanker. Instead, I got dressed, pulled my hair off my face and headed downstairs. I didn’t see him anywhere straight away. But, they were big houses, and I wasn’t going looking for him.

  I was in the kitchen, leaning on the bench and scrolling through my Facebook feed, when I felt hands on my hips and I jerked up.

  “Get those things off me!” I snapped, smacking him away.

  He chuckled that aggravatingly lazy laugh. “What has you so worked up tonight?”

  I pulled my jumper straight – not that it really needed straightening – and glared at him. “Nothing. What’s wrong with you that you’ll deign to spend time with little old me?”

  “What, I gotta have a reason to want to hang out with you now?” His eyes were hard, but I didn’t want to heed the warning.

  “Why not? Seems to be the way these days.”

  “I miss you, Lei. Is there something wrong with that?” he asked, exasperation heavy in his voice. He sounded like Brett used to when I was particularly frustrating as a little sister.

  “We see each other every single damned day. How do you have time to miss me?”

  “Fuck you! You know, I don’t know why I even bother. Trent’s having the guys over tonight and I’m here with you like a pussy.” He raked his hand through his almost black hair. “You have
a good night, Miss High and Mighty.”

  With a shake of his head, he started to leave.

  “You’re the one who walked into my room uninvited, Drake. I didn’t ask you to impose on my private time!”

  He whirled around, fury on his gorgeous face. “I remember a time when I wasn’t an imposition.”

  “And I distinctly remember a time when I wasn’t a hardship or a charity case or a freaking obligation!” I screeched.

  He deflated visibly. “You’re not an obligation,” he sighed. “I wanted to spend some time with you.”

  “Then why don’t you behave like a normal person and just say so!” I huffed. “Just call me – or just knock on the damned door before letting yourself in – and ask if I want to watch a movie or something. God,” I sighed, “this didn’t used to be so hard...”

  We locked eyes for a moment; a thousand things unsaid, a thousand bridges simultaneous crossed and road-blocked between us. It was like for every step forward we took, we took a hundred back. I just didn’t know how to talk to him anymore; I didn’t know who we were anymore.

  He was saved answering as his phone went off. Looking at me with something like an apology in his eyes, he pulled it out and looked at it. I watched his fingers play nimbly over the screen, my anger dissipating as quickly as it had bloomed, which was always the way.

  As he finished whatever he was doing – I didn’t want to know which of his many booty calls it might have been – I wandered to the fridge. While I was looking over the contents, I heard him chuckle and shook my head. I was just waiting for his bail apology and I was just starting to place bets on which it was going to be that night when his voice was in my ear.

  “How’s your chorie?”

  I jumped as he appeared beside me.

  “It’s fine.”

  “We can practise if you want?”

  I pulled out two beers and handed him one. “I’m fine.”

  He took the other beer from me and I knew what was coming when he put them both down.

  “Cas...” I warned. “I said I’m fine...”